Diaries of an OCD Mind.

I don’t think there is a more accurate word to describe an OCD mind than the word “paralysing”.

Paralysing thoughts, tics, and a crippling anxiety from the moment you wake up, until the very long moment that leads to you sleeping.

I have been going through the hardest moments of my life, and have been excelling at hiding them from everyone but I think it’s time I spoke up because in case someone relates to what I’m saying, they’ll know they are not alone. 

I did not self-diagnose, to begin with. My OCD is not just me tidying things up and making sure skittles are separated by colour before eating them.

My OCD is me getting up in the middle of the night at 2 am to make sure I turned my oven off, the heaters, and it’s making sure the windows are closed one by one. 

It’s obsessing on whether I locked the door – leaving the building, then going back up once and twice to double check that I actually did lock it. 

It’s me having thoughts that I’m not able to control no matter how mindful and no matter how acceptant I am of them. 

It’s me focusing on an idea, and not being able to let go until I’ve told someone about it, regardless of whether this idea concerns them or not.

It’s me blinking my eyes when I’m trying to focus to the point that people around me think there’s something wrong with my eyes, like I’m not able to see – so they give me a minute or two to “sort it out”. Little do they know, it’s just another unbearable tic of my OCD. 

It’s me assuming that something terrible is about to happen if I throw away that one piece of paper I have since 2013, as if good luck is somehow connected to it on some magical level. 

It’s me realising this all sounds and looks abnormal, reaching out to a therapist and hoping for my OCD to fade away. 

OCD is not a joke to toss around whenever you’re feeling extra neat that day, and it’s definitely not JUST the satisfaction of organising your room by colour every once in a while.

It’s more than that, it’s a mix of fear, worry, repetitive behaviours that are supposed to relieve an anxiety, only to find out it’s a temporary one until the cycle repeats itself over and over again. The good news is one day, when you reach out to them, a professional is there to help you. 

If you are reading this and relating, please know that you are not alone. 

If you need help, please reach out to a psychologist as soon as you can. 

For those of you who had no idea what OCD is, it’s literally an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a mix of unwanted thoughts or urges to do something that are beyond a person’s control. They might interfere with their social life and work – it’s crippling. 

Please check up on your loved ones, be supportive, keep your judgment aside, and make sure they know that they are not alone. 

Thank you for reading, and stay safe x

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