Week 10

It took me a while to realize that I haven’t written an update on my weekly quarantine situation for weeks now.
I’ve been concerned, annoyed, inspired, calm, and joyful all at once. I’ve honestly never felt such a wide range of emotions in such a short period of time.

One minute I’m sitting on my desk painting and the next I’m wrapped in bed like a burrito, bawling my eyes out.
One minute I’m following a healthy lifestyle and the next I’m sitting on the couch eating chips like there’s no tomorrow.
One thing I know for sure though, is that this time alone (not alone alone, just without friends alone) has made me understand what I really like to do in all my free time: cook, bake, and eat.
I’m not even going to PRETEND that I prefer doing anything else.

To summarise the last 4 weeks, I have been eating sugar only once every 2 weeks, running and following @atouilaura‘s posts to know how to do that, craving salty chips and eating those, crying when I feel like it and then picking myself up and deciding to be positive again. Basically a roller coaster of feelings and thoughts.

Note that I haven’t been able to lose a lot of weight despite the running because I’ve been eating so much, don’t be fooled.

I’ve also been having the weirdest most vivid dreams and I know I’m not the only one. Needless to say we are all traumatized by our surreal reality: masks are mandatory yet they are out of stock in some places, stores are closed and people are cutting their hair at home and discussing it online, an “invisible” virus is banning us from touching anything and everything until a vaccine is available – and it might take some time.
It’s a miracle we haven’t all lost our minds at this point.

Just thinking about how our lives were before makes me wonder if that wasn’t the exception and what we are living now is the actual reality.
When are we ever going back to life as we know it?
Am I ever going to travel places without worrying about catching another virus?
How much time is it going to take for me to be able to resume all the plans on hold?
How are doctors and nurses handling this? Are they in need of psychologists to survive this emotionally draining and traumatic pandemic? I’m happy they are appreciated but also wondering if all the clapping is going to do it for them.

Then once again, my thoughts take me back to Lebanon where my family is and I wonder when I’ll be able to see them again.
I try to keep positive and be thankful that they are doing well, but I haven’t seen them since October and just thinking of the idea that it might take me a bit over a year to see them again is really frustrating.
My heart aches, and no matter how many people tell me to have hope and stay strong it’s just never easy.
“But you picked the expat life, deal with it” – and to those people I say shut it.
I chose to provide a better life for me and my kids later on, and I’m sure given the circumstances you would all make the same choice.
That doesn’t mean I’m heartless and don’t get to miss my own family.

Sometimes I think that people just like to throw an argument here and there to remind themselves they are able to win a virtual argument where no body language is being watched and no instant reply is needed.

In the end I think we’ll have to wait a much longer time until this problem is dissolved and we’ll still have to figure out ways to cope and survive without going crazy. Any tips are appreciated at this point, I’m no longer sharing advice but rather receiving it.

Today is the 11th of May 2020, and I started writing on the 21st of March.
I’m secretly hoping that I can stop writing about my quarantine updates and start sharing other cheerful updates with you all, but until then,

stay safe x


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